Writer / Director

Riley Deacon

Airplanes

It was actually a lot more enjoyable than you'd think. There was free food, free blankets, free headsets, free movies and the flight itself must have be free because I didn't remember ever paying any money. The weirdest part about it was the seats - not that they weren't comfy, they just didn't have any seat belts. Which was odd, but kind of made sense. I mean, if a plane goes down, how much is that little seat belt going to prevent? Maybe I'm just being pessimistic.

I was hanging out at home when I got the call. The ringing woke me up from my nap.

"This is your pilot speaking! You have just won a free flight anywhere in the world! Please press 1 to redeem your prize"

 Of course, like any sensible human would, I pressed 1. After being on hold for what felt like a week I was finally transferred to the prizing department. Funny thing about the prize was that I needed to take a flight to claim it. They offered to cover the first flight so I didn't have to fork out any cash. Crazy, right? Two free flights. What a day.

The first flight was insane! I can't remember how many stops we made but it must have been over 20! When I first boarded the plane I was one of maybe 5 people, but by the end of the trip we must have had at least 200! Lots of fellow winners. I met so many new friends. There was actually this one girl - I forget her name but she had these blueish-greenish-brownish eyes that lit up the inside of the plane like two million lightbulbs. I'm not sure what language she spoke but we talked the whole flight. I think I might have been in love.

We finally landed. Every seat was filled so I knew we couldn't be picking anyone else up. We had to be at our destination. We had to be claiming our prizes. It only made sense. 

A flight attendant stood at the front of the plane with a clipboard and said,

"If I say your name, I would like you to please exit the plane behind me. And watch your step on the way out.

She began powering through names - the first was the girl I fell in love with. She exited slowly with grace, along with the others. The flight attendant must have said roughly 175 names before stopping. 

 "What about me?" I yelled desperately from the back.

She told me my prize was at the next stop. I peered jealously through my window at the blueish-greenish-brownish eyed girl walking effortlessly along the tarmac.

Left in the plane was myself and about 15 other people. Nobody I had any interest talking to. They moved us all to the back and blocked off the rest of the plane, permanently shutting the windows and padlocking the bathroom door. Lucky me landed a seat next to an unchaperoned crying baby. Beside the baby was this obese woman that wouldn't shut up about her cats in Arizona. Between the baby's screaming and the old woman's constant rambling about her cats in Arizona I couldn't take it.

It got dark quickly and we started heading through some turbulence. This guy two rows in front of me wouldn't stop throwing up. He had a "weak stomach". This one flight attendant deactivated the free TV, took away our blankets and said there would be no food for the rest of the flight. Later on the pilot's deep groggy voice rang through the speaker system saying we "probably wouldn't see an end to the turbulence".

What the fuck does that mean? What kind of airline is this? It's like hell in here. 

All I want is my goddamn prize.

"Next Floor"

After seeing "Enemy" I had to check out more of Denis Villeneuves' work. He made this short film right after the financial crisis in '80 and it's a great symbol of those times. Watch below.

Missed Connection: Pregnant Subway Lady

I'm paying for my sub, about to "tap" my debit card. Chocolate milk in my left hand, sandwich on the cashier counter in front of me.

A pregnant woman walks in, clearly very pregnant and clearly a woman. Dark long hair. Purse. Large light brown boots over dark jeans. Nothing out of the ordinary.

She arrives at the opposite end of the counter, ready to order. I'm finishing my debit card "tap" and she's checking out the menu. As I'm gathering my things a Subway "sandwich artist" (I wouldn't call them much of an artist, more of an "im-going-to-put-way-too-much-ranch-on-on-this-sub-beacuse-i-dont-care-about-this-job artist") snaps on his plastic gloves and prepares to deliver her baby make a sub.

I begin heading towards the exit, walking past the pregnant lady on the way out. As I'm passing her I hear 22 words that will change the course of my day, and possibly my life. 

"Before I order I just want to say that I'm pregnant and craving these, so like, my sub might be pretty crazy"

As she finished her pre-sub-order-warning I was half way out the door and couldn't turn back to hear what the order would be. I had so many questions that needed answers. 

What makes a sub order "crazy" and how "crazy" can it really be? 

Was she about to ask for 3 pounds of mayonnaise on one slice of bacon? Was she about to ask for motor oil on her meatball sub? 

There's only so many options at subway. Even if someone said "I want everything possible on this sub" I wouldn't be that weirded out because every option they have is pretty normal. 

Maybe my subway orders are crazy. Maybe I should be using that line before ordering any type of food, you know, just to spice up life a little. Maybe this pregnant lady knows something about ordering food that I don't. 

I like to think that after I left she ordered what no man or woman could, something so crazy and so out of the ordinary that she changed sandwiches and the sandwich industry forever. Sometimes I like to think she's the only true sandwich artist out there - an "Andy War Hold The Anchovies" of sorts.

If you're out there, I'd love to hear your order. If not, it's just another missed connection. 

Crave on, pregnant subway lady. 

Pilot Blog

This is my blog pilot.

If TV can teach us anything it's that ongoing creative work doesn't hit it's stride until around season 2. Unfortunately this means that you, the reader, will have to sit through useless incoherent rambling from me until I hit blog post #20. Based on a really technical and correct formula (posts ÷ laziness x food + internet) my blog won't start getting good for another 7 months.

This has been my first blog post. Please check back in 7 months for more.